"For He has not ignored or belittled the suffering of the
needy. He has not turned His back on them, but has listened to their
cries for help" - Psalm 22:24
If I was asked last week if I would continue on with Christianity and faith my answer would have been no. Absolutely not. The past year of losses has been extremely hard on me and my faith. I was just beginning to trust God with my heart again when we lost Baby O. My walls instantly built themselves back up, my heart was turned to stone against Him. I would be laying in bed at night, saying prayers to Jesus with Rocket Baby and struggle with teaching him such bullshit. That's what my faith had become. Bullshit.
We are great people, I think. We are kind and generous. We are law abiding, we are fantastic parents. We are stable. So our losses don't add up to me. Why the heroin addict on the streets can pop kids out like tic tacs and we struggle...it's still a sore spot in my heart. So much so that I actually questioned how strong my desire to raise Rocket Baby in the church was. I began to abandon all hopes of restoring my commitments to God and myself and my family.
We had a night last week where I can comfortably say I hit bottom. I could tell that I had reached my lowest point and I had to decide if I was going to stay on a destructive broken path or if I was going to let God in and heal. I evaluated myself and my life, who I am and who I desire to be. I evaluated my morals. It's in that broken, bottom of the barrel moment that I realized God's promises are not bullshit. He did not put me on this earth to kick my while I was already down o to watch me slowly self destruct. He just didn't.
The bible says God is the same. All day, everyday. Nothing about Him has changed since the beginning of time. His love for me is strong. I don't know why we had to lose Angel Baby and I'll never understand why we had to give up Baby O either. It hurts. I miss them both. I miss who they could have been with us and my heart aches to hold them and love them the way I've held and loved our darling Rocket. In all the confusion and all of the hurt and all of the why's, I feel myself trusting God again. Trusting His word and trusting His desires for me. Trusting His plans. I'll never understand them, but I can learn to live with them.
Losing a baby is life changing. We are not the same people. I just don't care about the things I cared about before. Losing a baby changes your world view. Things that were once important are now so painfully mundane, but in a good way. In a way that changes everything. I'm more focused on my family and nothing else really matters. And I'm ready to start talking. I don't think Baby O would want to look down from Heaven (where I truly believe his soul rests) and see his mama so broken and hurt, so I'm doing everything in my power to change that for him and for Rocket Baby, who deserves to have as much of me back that I can give.
"Teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus, You're my hope and stay"
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus, You're my hope and stay"
