Baby O And Moving Forward

A large part of our adoption journey centers around pregnancy loss. We have had three. The first was four years ago before Rocket Baby, an undetected molar pregnancy I carried for eighteen weeks. The second was just this past October, we found out at fifteen weeks that Angel Baby passed at twelve weeks. The most recent was Baby O.

I knew something was off, but I was also convinced that it wouldn't be serious. Or maybe it would be serious, but not life threateningly serious. Maybe amniotic bands (which a friend in the baby wearing community is dealing with, though for now all looks good), or maybe our baby would have needed a surgery after being born or would have just come early. I was a bit scared I would end up in the hospital trying to hold onto our baby just long enough for survival, but I really wasn't overly concerned.

I had called my ob the Friday before we went camping with friends, our first camping trip as a family of three. I had been cramping and was a touch concerned. My ob was out but my previous ob said it sounded like dehydration and drinking would help, which it did. I didn't even bother telling my husband the ob told me to take it easy because I didn't want to ruin our first camping trip, which thankfully isn't relevant to Baby O's loss. Camping was fun, I was enjoying it and Rocket Baby was thrilled to have endless outdoor time, but the cramping continued. It got worse when I moved around too much and eventually I started spotting. Trevor and one of our dear friends assured me everything would be alright and I just took it easy and relied on Trevor to help chase Rocket.

We ended up leaving early because the spotting wasn't stopping and whenever I moved the cramping got worse. I honestly wasn't expecting bad news. I wasn't expecting to have our world rocked for the third time in our near seven years of marriage. You just cannot be prepared to hear your child, your sweet baby you've felt moving inside of you no longer has life. When it takes a trained ultrasound technician longer then a few seconds to find a heartbeat, nerves take over. At a certain point, I just knew. Trevor knew. He saw them use the thermal portion of the machine. He saw that our baby had no color.

We aren't exactly sure when Baby O passed, but based on his weight it was likely between sixteen and eighteen weeks. I had just heard his heartbeat four weeks prior. Losing a baby at twenty weeks is rough. I want to be vulnerable with everyone and share our experience for the sake of understanding our decision to adopt, but there is something so devastatingly special about his birth, I'm not sure I can share it with anyone that isn't family and since they have yet to hear the details, now five weeks later, I don't think it's fair to share it here with the world. I don't know if I'll ever share it, it means to much to me.

We knew at the beginning of this pregnancy we weren't going to do it again. Baby O was meant to be our second miracle baby, as we now realize what a true miracle Rocket Baby is. His feisty spirit likely helped him survive to birth. We also knew that adoption was always on our radar. We both wanted at least four kids (although I will always push for five+) and we knew we wanted to add kids that weren't created from us, but were created for us.

Today I made our appointment to attend a Foster To Adopt orientation. I'm scared, I'm anxious, but I'm so excited. We both are. Scared because it's still a possibility a foster to adopt baby would be taken away. Anxious because we are so ready to expand our family and love another child, and excited at the possibilities of it all. We did look at private adoption agencies with plans on fundraising and accepting donations, but the costs were so daunting I was getting discouraged.

Private adoption agencies seem less risky then foster to adopt. It seems less likely that a birth mother will change her mind. Talking to some of my friends helped me realize that no matter what, there will be risks, and foster to adopt is truly where my heart has been all along. So we are taking a giant leap of faith and following our hearts and hoping for the best.

In the meantime we are still going to be fundraising and taking donations. We are planning a garage sale in the coming weeks and also have a GoFundMe set up to reach our Foster To Adopt goal of $4000. If we raise more then the amount needed for this adoption, we will save it for future adoptions. If we choose to keep our family a family of four, any extra funds will be donated to other families to help them expand their own families.

My relationship with God is hanging by a thread, but I'm holding on. I'm holding onto His promises and I'm believing He truly cares about our desire to grow our family. Somewhere a child is being designed for us. A birth mother is making tough decisions. She will chose to trust us to love her child because she loves her child enough to let them go. My heart is already so in love with this unknown baby. So bursting with joy at what the future holds for all of us. We have been chosen to join a throng of people lucky enough to be entrusted with a child they did not birth, and I'm honored to enter into this community.